My knees were shaking.

Mustered all the courage i had and walked into the room.
I've thought of the words, but it got stuck somewhere between my mind and throat.

I walked past them into the washroom instead.

As i redundantly washed my hands, i hear them talking in the background.
'come on rachel. do this. you need to do this.' i tell myself

As cowardly as i am,
i walk right out.

oh how useless i am.

Tried to watch a little youtube, call up the boyfriend, and such.
But Boy do i feel a strong ringing in my head.

I've waited and dragged this mess too long.
Day after Day.
In and out.
Still no progress.

Being Still is not the same as being stagnant.

'God help me'
i whispered, out loud.

Walked into the room again.
'err mummy daddy, i need to tell you something.....'

and for once after so long, i felt some confidence in me.

Even now, as i tear and think back,
im still trembling, even though i wasnt when i was in there.

God Helped Me,
even though ive been bad.

I know.


Ive thought about it and i knew i had to do something.
Im turning 20 this year,
and its a new decade too- 2011

i have to stop being a failure.

and its got to be now.

xx Rachel