lovely weather,

the boy's asleep and im wide awake.

i might be in my deepest lowest point of my life as of now,
but goodgolly am i feeling on top of the world this moment.

i love midnights, because the air is fresh.
the roads are clearer except for the occasional cabs driving by,
you barely hear their engine, only water splashing back onto the floor.

its been 3 days, raining!
on and off.

i love it.

i look through facebook, and i cringe a little,
sometimes i feel its a hellhole.
it serves as a reminder to people who have a less active social life, how much of a loser they are.

these nights, ive been finding myself.
and boy, have i realised what an individual i really am.
fine, call it outcast if you want.

or maybe i just can't be bothered with reality.

im scared. we've only one life to live,
and theres things i want to do.

like write a book.

or spend a month in paris just painting the scenery.

or raise a family in a lakehouse.

What if im not a city girl, and i hate traffic,
and noise and crowds?
Why do i feel like im being raised in the wrong place?
Is it too late?

What if i want to run a little coffee joint/bookstore round the corner,
of a quiet neighbourhood..
where children experience the fullness of life, family, learning.
not just a never ending rat race to claim that million dollars.

is it selfish,
to want to be yourself, for yourself?
and not for anyone else.

is it selfish to want to achieve things for yourself,
and not for a 'higher purpose'?

ive always been considerate,
been polite,
accountable,
responsible.

but these days, im tired.

and when i just let it go and dont give a damn.
boy do i feel released.
i feel so free.
its like really see the possiblities out there.
i dream,
for myself, and not for others,
or dreams that i think others will judge me upon.

for once i feel liberated.

well,

of course thats only in the nights.
which is why i love midnights.

and when sun comes out,
the worries of the day sets upon my shoulders and i shrug,
because Life's Like That.

xx Rachel